This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
