I think I am morally bankrupt
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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