I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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