MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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