She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
