you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
