just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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