update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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