can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
