my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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