i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize