Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
