its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
