My friends, they love my intelligence
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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