Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
