I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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