The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The air taste purple.
Randomize
