There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.