i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...