ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
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It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
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When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."