My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
