New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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