The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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