How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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