I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
