he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dignity is for republicans.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
