Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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