my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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