I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
