I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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