I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
he just fucked me for my cheese..
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
