You made me cry and you don't even care
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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