Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Randomize
