If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
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There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
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I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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