Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
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THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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