I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
