yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
