It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
