My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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