I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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