So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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