Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize