Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
