easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
