I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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