You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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