i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I look better un-naked...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
