Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
