It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
