God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
