wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
