You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
