I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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