I wish i was in the wii world.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
