I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
