I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
