Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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