She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
it's like iHOP with fire
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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