why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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