I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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