just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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