Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
